Gutted, but Grateful
Gutted, but grateful
All is not, as I thought...
I thought the way ahead was clear
That clarity had shown itself in a facet of the most radiant jewel.
That light, springing from the surface of the rippling waters
danced to a tune I knew, had seen, and recognised.
But, reality has shown it's face: it did not agree with my expectation.
We can only go on our deepest instincts, even though the waters glimmer,
persistently singing notes
to a song we were singing,
But, the sun has gone in.
Is that HUGE cloud, the cloud of unknowing?
The mystery we call God, rather than throwing light on the surface matters of my soul,
appears to have eclipsed the sunlight.
So, I find tears running,
rain drops, tiny runaway ink lines
which I won't contain.
I will let the disappointment be.
I know, my path has altered, but I don't question the wisdom of it.
I trust my maker. Most creative. Most unexpected guest.
And I say: "Come on..."
I am gutted, but grateful,
maybe because you have given me an opportunity
to trust you a little more.
I had the zeal, but now you have given me your part
in waiting and praying.
Assurance is not easy.
It balances at the point where I realise my journey's end...
The timeless place, where waiting does not exist; all prayerful souls
lie in peace,
Some, with minds which have left them free of reason - Still held in prayer,
Others, with outward form of body, being taken - Still held in prayer.
All those sisters, lying in the circle,
Circle upon circle - Still being,
Still held in prayer.
What strange vision, of another layer of existence.
We should never look only ahead, but beyond our own sight,
into the darkness.
When I make my place to meet you;
this glade, this white paper place, in the scrambling wood matter of my own thought -
I lay myself down; Body and mind in wilful surrender to your Spirit's
moving in this place.
Here alone, does my soul find (most gratefully)
that you have better than I could have imagined.
That the absence of my expectation
was a kind removal, on your part
of what did, indeed,
block your radiant and everlasting light.
For the joy set before me...
Jenny Meehan 2014 September